Blind-folded

"Because of Christ and our faith in him, we can now come boldly and confidently into God's presence." Ephesians 3:12 (NLT)

I definitely know how it feels when in our hearts we feel like God let us down. When we had prayed so hard, fasted, worshipped, and prayed some more... and things still don't turn out like you thought. Not only is it slightly different, but grossly different. I know what it's like when you think that all the dreams you had, maybe never come true. And it hurts. And you feel confused, and a bit wounded and even angry. Today I felt that way. Still do. I am not really angry AT God. Just frustrated, hurt, and feeling very much like a blindfold is tied over my eyes.

I tucked my son in to bed today and marveled at his faith. One week ago today he asked Jesus to be his Savior in his heart. And tonight he just kept saying "I want God. I need him. I want Jesus in my heart. Keep praying, Mom." All he cared about was Jesus. He fell asleep with such beautiful peace. Trust. That boy never worries. He doesn't worry about where his next meal comes from, or if he has clothes to wear when he grows out of these. He doesn't worry. As I watched him drift into dreamland, I was reminded of Matthew 6

"This is why I tell you not to worry about every day life- whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing?"

Verse 30 shares: "And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?"

In my heart of hearts, I really don't doubt that God will provide for me. He always has. He has never let me go hungry. He is so faithful and He has poured grace out on me and my family countless times. I have not forgotten those times. So, I don't think I am worried about that.

But today, I have wondered, if I am just confused and torn up inside because maybe God plans to provide for me differently then I thought. Maybe, just maybe, his plans ARE higher and better than mine. And even though I know that in my head that His plans are best. I know in my head that His ways are greater. I know all this. I have preached it and lived it. But tonight, I feel a change, like once again, I am being asked to relinguish my dreams for His glory. And I wish that I was so full of grace that I could easily take it in stride, with a smile, and Churchy words of positivity... but today I am just not feeling it.

No, I won't revert to my flesh. I won't be overcome with fear. I won't lash out at God. I won't give up. BUT... I am still hurting inside. I am still confused. I still feel like I can't see two feet in front of me. And so what do I do with that?

On my shower wall I have a piece of paper taped up with a big chunk of scripture from Ephesians 3. Every morning I read verse 12, among the other verses, and remember, that no matter what, no matter where I am... I can boldly approach my Savior. I can enter into His presence even when I am confused, or torn up, wounded, scared, clueless, or angry. Even if I feel like I am walking around with a blind fold, can't see anything, feeling clumsy... even then, even now, when I can't see anything else... I can come to Him. I know I will be welcomed in His arms. I know He will catch my tears before they hit the ground. I don't have to clean up, put on a mask, or modify things... it's just me. And that's all He wants.

So, today, I come to Jesus. I will keep coming. No matter what. No matter my mood, my pain, my joy. No matter what is going on in life. All I know is that I don't want to do life without Him. So I will keep coming.

Thank you, Jesus, for being with me today. I love you.