Why ME?

"In love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, with which He has blessed us in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of trespasses,according to the riches of His grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of His will, according to His purpose which He set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in Him, things in heaven and things on earth. In Him we have obtained an inheritance , having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of His will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be the might praise of His glory." Ephesians 1:5-14



Do you ever find yourself staring at scripture, feeling totally lost, and small, and confused? The other night I had one of those moments. I was in conversation with a friend and the topic turned to all the theology and scripture that points to the idea that we call 'predestination'. I think a part of me had been living in autopilot on this topic. I pretty much decided that God was sovereign, and I truly couldn't understand him, so I wasn't going to worry about it. To some degree, I think all of that is still true, but something new and fresh tore at my heart.

The conversation with my friend was a very safe place. We could throw around ideas that we were both quite passionate about, and not get upset, but still listen, explore, and sharpen each other a bit. Such a place for growth is a priceless gem!

To be honest, in my flesh and in the smallness of my mind, I started getting angry at God. I guess that's the way the world looks at this sometimes. They think God is being mean. Though, I don't know how to come to terms with it all, here is what I know.

>>I know that the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the Cross was sufficient for me and for ALL people.

>> I know that the heart of God loves ALL people, and it is His gracious, compassionate desire for adopt us all back into his family.

>> I know that not all will be saved.

This is where I tend to get stuck. Some say that Jesus chose to save a few and chose not to save others. OR some might say that its our choice, and God already knew what we would choose, which justifies the predestination language. Then Pastor Brady and Pastor Glenn at NLC gave a refreshing thought, that the predestination wording really implies that it was always and has always been God's desire that we be returned to Him. The destination refers to us being united with Him, and he longs for us all. That was a beautiful thought.

SO, in the midst of my conversation, I went through a transformation. I started not thinking much about it, then feeling frustrated that I couldn't understand it all. Then, in my flesh, I got kind of mad at God, at the idea that maybe I was chosen and others were not. This made me confused, and then it made me mad that the whole topic was even in the Bible. I found myself asking... "Why is it, if there's no chance I can figure this topic out, does it even have to be in the Bible at all? I feel like it is making my stumble!"

>> Do you ever have those moments where you are almost afraid to be truly honest with God? And when you speak your thoughts out loud, you seriously wonder if you might be struck by lightning? This was one of those moments for me. Everything in me felt irreverant for questioning God, but that was how I felt and all I knew to do was to bring it to Him.

>>I found myself praying: "God, I don't get it! Why include things in your Word that at first glance appear contradictory? Issues of free will, choice, and predestination? I know that YOU are LOVE. And I know that you are bigger than me, and bigger than I can comprehend. If you define love, and yet your word deals with things that TO ME seem to conflict, then maybe I just have to trust that you are big enough to encompass all those things, and that IN YOU, they don't conflict. But if so, why do I really need to wrestle with this stuff in your Word? Why include stuff that just confuses? I don't appreciate that, God."

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Then I guess I got my bolt of lightning... because as I asked all these questions out loud, it was like a light bulb turned on in my heart. MAYBE these things are here to remind me that SALVATION BELONGS TO THE LORD. It is HIS miracle, not mine! I can be faithful to share the Gospel and live out the love of Jesus in my life every day... but ultimately, HE wins souls. HE rescues us from drakness. HE pulls us out of the pit. HE heals us. It is HIS miracle, not mine, and how can I forget that when He reminds us that He CHOSE US. Grace is HIS gift, not mine.

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While this was all good, I don't think God was done with me that night. As the conversation continued, I was my heart was broken in a whole new way. Sure, I have felt compassion for those who walk without God... but this felt new. I was reminded of how undeserving we all are... We are so undeserving of His mercy. We are undeserving of His presence. Completely. And, sadly, not ALL will spend eternity with God. Regardless of what you believe about free will or predestination, I think we can all agree... and all understand... that not all will be so blessed. Wow. Sobering. Leaves me stunned.

I choked up, lost my words, and sobbed as I asked myself... "Why ME?"

All at once I felt completely unworthy and yet soooooooooo incredibly grateful for the Grace offered to me by my Savior Jesus. All of a sudden, I felt unsettlingly special. Not in a prideful way, but like an "I don't get it" moment. I seriously don't get it. I don't get why He chose me. I don't get why He looked upon me and smile with such immense favor. I don't get it. My stomach drops even as I type these words. I feel so blessed, and overwhelmingly humbled, and loved, and I guess I don't every want that to change. I don't want to stop asking "Why Me?" for fear that I might *think* I actually know. This is the mystery of all mysteries. "Why Me?"

"God saved you by this grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the things He planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:8-10 (NLT)